Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!