Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Remember folks 😂

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

☺️

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?