Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I only eat vegetarians.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.