Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I bet
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
time machine? you mean a clock?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.