*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
You Might Also Like
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*