reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’