Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
What the hell happened in there??
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.