@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

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@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

@7_Cents

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@MomofTeen

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

@ginnyhogan_

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

@benedictsred

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

@Lil_Baked_Baker

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

@jonnysun

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the