@sug_knight In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
@robwhisman reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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@sug_knight 
@7_Cents *eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
@JasonLastname If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
@longwall26 Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
@MomofTeen I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
@HIGHzurrer Well. That’s not a good sign.
@ginnyhogan_ “machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
@benedictsred Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
@Lil_Baked_Baker I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
@jonnysun *sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the