reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am