Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.