Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
how to have fun when you’re poor