Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?