Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS