Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.