*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.