[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.