Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice