Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Des Moines Police having a normal one
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Posting this on behalf of a friend