Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?