[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
You Might Also Like
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I have so many questions.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?