Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.