#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
You Might Also Like
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
August 8
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.