Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.