Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.