*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My five year plan is a meteorite
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner