Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.