*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out