Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
You Might Also Like
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him