replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
choose your fighter
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
#SCOTUS one-star review
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU