Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted