REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
You Might Also Like
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.