Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me too door. Me too.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.