REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?