Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Flock of bats

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.