Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Sorry not sorry.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Twitter remains undefeated
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The game has officially changed 😎
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Everything reminds me of my ex
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.