Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile