Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

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[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?


When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”


SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?


“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.


I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience


A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.


You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..


I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days


ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile