Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.