Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Very problematic
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?