reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.