REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
You Might Also Like
emergency phone
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!