REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You Might Also Like
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.