[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Name another movie that mislead you?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box