[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.