[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.