@ChaseMit

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

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@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

@TheFirstDudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@DrakeGatsby

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@daveexplosm

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

@haze103

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.