Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?