Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction


This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”


Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help


if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.