*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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So we got a goldfish…
This is I, Robot all over again
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil