Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.