Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
#gardening
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)