Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Rather alarming headline…
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
doing your own taxes
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*