@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

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@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

@SondraDeeMe

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@MooseAllain

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”