Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
At least he brought enough for everyone
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”