Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?