Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
They’re the worst 😩
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
rise and shine we got egg
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.