Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
O Wise One….
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.