Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it