Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
waiting for halloween be like:
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”