*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”