respect
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.